How To Make Sex More Enjoyable for Both of You

If you’ve ever thought, “Why do I not enjoy sex the way I should?”, you’re not alone. So many women experience this at different points in their lives, and it can feel confusing, frustrating, or even isolating. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable, but real life is full of curveballs like stress, hormones, relationship challenges, and bodies that do not always respond on command.

The good news is that enjoyable sex is absolutely possible. Pleasure is a skill, and like any skill, it can be nurtured. This guide breaks down what affects sexual enjoyment, how to address common barriers, and the simple things you can start doing today to make intimacy feel more fun, more connected, and more satisfying for both you and your partner.

Why you might not be enjoying sex

Not enjoying sex is incredibly common, with 15% of men and over 34% of women reporting a lack of interest in sex, according to a 2010–2012 survey for the British Medical Journal. But not enjoying sex has nothing to do with your worth, desirability, or how much you love your partner. Many women go through seasons when sex feels uncomfortable, disconnected, or simply unexciting. These experiences can come from physical, emotional, or relational factors, and often a mix of all three.

Some of the most common reasons include stress, low libido, hormonal changes, pain during intercourse, difficulty getting aroused, or trouble staying mentally present. Emotional factors like conflict, resentment, or low self-esteem can also affect your desire and comfort level. Whatever you are experiencing, it is valid, and it can be improved. Once you understand what is getting in the way, you can take steps toward sex that feels better and more enjoyable.

What is female sexual dysfunction?

Here’s the thing: sex isn’t always perfect. And it definitely won’t always be as hot and steamy as it is in the movies. In fact, it’s pretty normal for women to experience challenges with sex at some point in their lives, it’s just not usually a topic that comes up much in casual conversation.

Female sexual dysfunction (FSD) is a broad term for all the various issues that can affect desire, arousal, orgasm, or cause pain during intercourse. FSD is way more common than you might think. A recent study for the Journal of Clinical Medicine in 2023 found that between 30% and 50% of sexually active women experience at least one form of sexual dysfunction.

Some issues stem from physical factors like hormonal changes, certain medications, or health conditions. Psychological and emotional factors like stress, relationship issues, or past experiences can also influence how things go in our bedrooms. Whatever the culprit may be, you should remember that experiencing difficulties with sex is nothing to be ashamed of, and there are some things you can do to help!

A diagnosis is only one piece of the puzzle. Many solutions go beyond medical treatment and include emotional connection, communication, physical mindfulness, and new approaches to pleasure. If you suspect FSD, a healthcare provider can help identify what is happening, but everyday changes can also make sex more enjoyable.

What makes sex feel great: Real talk

Pleasure isn’t random. It comes from a mix of physical responses, mental presence, emotional connection, and feeling safe and cared for. When these pieces come together, sex becomes easier to enjoy, easier to initiate, and easier to look forward to.

The physical side: How to make sex feel better

If sex does not feel physically pleasurable, you are not imagining it. Pleasure requires arousal, and arousal requires blood flow, relaxation, and stimulation.

• Arousal and blood flow: When you feel turned on, blood flow increases to your genitals, which heightens sensitivity and helps the body produce lubrication. According to a 2023 review for Sex & Culture, arousal is strongly linked to comfort and the likelihood of orgasm. Without enough arousal, sex can feel dull, uncomfortable, or even painful.
• Foreplay matters: Some people take longer than others to get aroused. This is normal. Taking your time with kissing, touch, and exploration helps the vaginal tissues warm up, relax, and prepare. Think of foreplay not as something extra, but as the foundation for better sex.
• Clitoral stimulation: Around 81% of women don’t orgasm from penetration alone, according to a U.S. study from 2018 for the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Clitoral stimulation is often essential. Try a combination of external touch, oral sex, or different angles that allow more pressure against the clitoris during penetration. You can also experiment with positions that provide more control, like being on top.
• Relaxation and timing: If your body feels tense or rushed, arousal drops. Deep breathing, warm showers, gentle stretching, and longer build-up can all help. Give yourself permission to slow down and follow what feels good, rather than what feels expected.

The emotional connection that changes everything

Sex is not just a physical act. Emotional intimacy plays a huge part in how enjoyable it feels.

• Emotional safety boosts desire: When you feel secure, appreciated, and understood, it becomes easier for your body to relax and respond. A 2023 study in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health found that emotional closeness was one of the strongest predictors of sexual satisfaction for those in long-term relationships.
• Trust and vulnerability: Great sex often comes from feeling comfortable enough to say what you like, ask for what you want, and let yourself be seen. This can feel scary at first, but it builds deeper intimacy over time.
• Mental presence: So many women struggle with distraction during sex. Work stress, to-do lists, or body worries can interrupt arousal. Mindfulness techniques like focusing on sensation, breathwork, or grounding exercises can help bring you back into the moment.

How to make sex more interesting (and fun!)

Sex does not have to be serious. Playfulness, curiosity, and experimentation can bring excitement back into your routine.

Honest communication: The ultimate game-changer

It may sound minor, but one of the best ways to improve your sex life is to have open and honest conversations about sex with your partner. Take turns sharing your intimate desires and any concerns or boundaries you have.

It might be a little weird at first. But remember, your partner has no clue what’s going on in your brain if you don’t tell them. This connection can help you bond and give you what we already know you want: some utterly satisfying, sexy time with your partner.

Try opening a conversation with questions like:

• What is something small that would make sex feel better for you?
• What do you enjoy most when we are intimate?
• Is there anything you want to try together?
• Is there anything that does not feel good that we should adjust?

You can also discuss boundaries, preferences, and fantasies in a way that feels safe and supportive. If talking face-to-face feels intense, try texting or sharing thoughts during a walk.

Step outside your comfort zone: What turns you on?

Giving your sex life a little boost can be as simple as trying something new. Get to know your own body and learn what makes you feel good. Arousal plays such a big role in making sex enjoyable for both partners. And for women, this typically involves increased blood flow to the genitals, leading to vaginal lubrication and heightened sensitivity.

Clitoral stimulation can also significantly increase pleasure and the likelihood of orgasm, so don't be afraid to take your time figuring out what feels good for you and your partner.

You might try:

• New positions that give you more control or stimulation
• Changing the setting with lighting, music, or temperature
• Sensory play such as temperature changes or gentle pressure
• Pillows to support your hips or back
• Mutual masturbation to learn what each other likes

Solo exploration also matters. Knowing your body helps you guide your partner. There is nothing selfish about discovering what feels good for you.

Does lube make sex more enjoyable? (Spoiler: Yes)

Lube can make a significant difference for women of all ages. It reduces friction, increases comfort, and enhances sensitivity. Vaginal dryness is incredibly common and can be caused by stress, hormonal birth control, postpartum changes, perimenopause, and menopause.

There are several types of lubricant to try:

• Water-based lube: Versatile, condom-safe, and easy to clean
• Silicone-based lube: Long-lasting and great for water use
• Oil-based lube: Not safe with latex condoms

Needing lube doesn’t mean you are not aroused. It simply means your body benefits from support, and that is completely normal.

How to make condom sex more enjoyable

Condoms can sometimes reduce sensation, but a few small tweaks can completely change the experience. The first step is choosing a size and fit that actually matches your body. Too tight can feel uncomfortable, and too loose can slip or dull sensation. Once you have the right fit, you can also switch to styles designed to feel better. Many people find that ultra-thin condoms increase warmth and closeness, so they are worth exploring if you want more sensitivity.

Adding a tiny bit of lube inside the condom and a more generous amount on the outside can also help. This increases glide, reduces friction, and boosts pleasure for both partners. If you want extra stimulation, textured condoms like ribbed or dotted versions can create new sensations that feel surprisingly good. You can even make condoms part of the build-up by incorporating them into your foreplay, teasing, or roleplay, rather than treating them as a quick interruption.

Protection can absolutely be part of the fun. When you find the right fit, the right style, and the right vibe, condom sex can feel just as intimate, connected, and pleasurable.

Does sex feel better for men or women?

There is no real winner here, because pleasure is personal and shaped by anatomy, hormones, emotions, and the connection you share with your partner. What we do know is that men tend to reach peak arousal faster, while many women need more build-up, more clitoral stimulation, and more time to feel fully in their bodies. This difference is completely normal, but it also helps explain the very real orgasm gap.

A large 2014 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that orgasm rates look very different depending on gender and sexual orientation. In sexual activity with a familiar partner, single men reported orgasm about 85% of the time, while single women reported orgasm about 63% of the time, which is a significant difference. Men reported similar orgasm rates whether they were heterosexual, gay, or bisexual, but women showed more variation. Lesbian women reported the highest orgasm rates at nearly 75%, compared to about 62% for heterosexual women and 58% for bisexual women. This may relate to the amount of clitoral stimulation and communication about pleasure happening between partners.

These numbers do not mean that women are “harder to please.” They highlight how important communication, curiosity, and clitoral stimulation are for closing the gap. Mutual pleasure is the goal, and that happens when both partners take the time to explore what feels good, ask questions, and stay present with each other.

How to make sex amazing: Products that can help

Products can enhance pleasure, especially when paired with communication and emotional connection. Sensitivity creams, vibrators, massage oils, and pelvic floor trainers can help increase arousal, improve blood flow, and reduce discomfort. Always talk with a healthcare provider if you are considering prescription options or if sex is consistently painful.

Some couples find that exploring new sensations helps deepen pleasure. Consider:

• Small vibrators for clitoral stimulation
• Massage candles that melt into warm oil
• Feather ticklers or soft fabrics
• Body-safe restraints for gentle power play
• Blindfolds to heighten sensation

Choose what feels good for you, and take things at your own pace.

Make intimacy a lifestyle

While toys and products can help with physical arousal, true satisfaction in your sex life is about more than just the physical side. Great sex often starts outside the bedroom, with a strong emotional connection, trust, and a sense of closeness with your partner.

If you’re thinking, “This sounds great, but how do I actually get there?”, start with the little things. Spend meaningful moments together, find ways to manage stress, and focus on activities that bring you joy. When you feel connected and happy, intimacy follows naturally, those moments can feel even better. Because investing in both your relationship and sexual health can make all the difference.

Some ways to cultivate closeness include:

• Reducing stress through exercise or relaxation practices
• Taking mindful breaks together during the day
• Sharing compliments or gratitude
• Prioritizing date nights
• Getting enough sleep, hydration, and nourishment
• Staying curious about one another

When you feel connected, supported, and emotionally safe, intimacy naturally becomes easier and more satisfying.

Great sex is personal… and evolving

Your sex life will change as you move through different seasons of life. That is normal, and it can be beautiful. Think of intimacy as something you build, adjust, and rediscover over time. Keep experimenting, stay curious, and remember that pleasure should feel empowering, not pressured.

You deserve joy, comfort, connection, and pleasure. And with the right tools, communication, and self-understanding, sex can become something you look forward to again.